Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
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