are you still at the devil's house?
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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