im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
