Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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