somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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