I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
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