my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
