Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
