i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize