Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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