The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
