so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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