"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
