fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
