i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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