it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
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