youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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