Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
