then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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