i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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