i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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