i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
