Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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