Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I want to be your penis for a week.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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