Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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