Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
