Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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