my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
