If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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