I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
