Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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