woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
