I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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