The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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