He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
