I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
