I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
