so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Dick very happy bro
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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