I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
