Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
not ubering you a puppy
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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