he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize