dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
