Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
