ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
