Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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