The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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