Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
