Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
