Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
