Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
