Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
FUCK WHALES
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
