Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
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