to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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