remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
