last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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