dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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