Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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