Whats the glycemic index on semen?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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