I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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