marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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