I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
