he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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