If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
