he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
