Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
