just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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