piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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