Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
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