you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
